hana song 🐰 d.va (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bunnyhopped) wrote2016-07-31 11:44 pm
bunnyhopped) wrote2016-07-31 11:44 pm
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Not in the way he's holding her, because in fact he's doing quite opposite of letting her go in that regard, but-- in his words. Maybe not in what he says, but how he says it, this underlying feeling that she can't shake that he's setting her free even when she was never bound in the first place, not in that way. The way he's responded to her promising that she'll come back to him. Talking about seeing things and feeling things for the both of them even though--
She wishes he could stay. If just for a little while. There are places she's sure Shiro hasn't gone to, himself--
But that's greedy. The universe doesn't need Shiro to go on adventures with her. It needs the Black Paladin and it needs Voltron.
It also doesn't need a Hana Song who feels the threat of tears stinging her eyes as her grip on Shiro tightens, as she buries her face into the shelter of his body once more, possibly for the last time. Silently, she promises him all of those things. That she'll make the most of her time back here and the life she's now got to live, the time she's been granted because he and his team fled across the galaxy to save her from a death that would have only been a matter of time. But her heart is breaking because in none of those promises Shiro asks of her does he affirm her declaration that she'll come back to him and she knows--
she knows he's hiding how unhappy he is about this.
Call it her intuition, but it might have helped that a certain paladin had taken her aside while they were on their way to their home planet, told her because, in the paladin's words, "Shiro would never tell you himself," how much he had suffered after finding out about her near-death, how much he had suffered while waiting for her to emerge from the pod. And how he will likely suffer when they've gone and left her on Earth.
So she promises him that, too, silently. That he'll never have to suffer because she did something recklessly dangerous that put her life in danger. Not again. Not if she can help it. But she can't stop him from hiding inside of himself, can't stop his nightmares from visiting him at night. And so she says, ]
I will. But you have to promise me too, Takashi. You have to go stand is as many storms as you can and watch as many sunsets over different colored oceans as you can and collect as many rocks as you can--
[ She tilts her head back and pulls away just enough to be able to look up at him, then, ]
and don't forget to stop and smell the flowers and think of me, and when you do that I'll be right here and looking up at the stars for you and I'm going to be all right. Okay?
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but he does. He will.
He's too old by now to believe in forever or that anything lasts that long. Even the stars burn out. Even the universe ends. He isn't sure when he started realizing that she wouldn't be with him all his life that he'd have to let her go, but he understands it. Now. He saw her tears, coming home, he sees how happy she is even if she's sad about his leaving. She needs to be here and he - can't stay with her.
And he can't let himself believe she's ever going to leave all of this for the cold of space with him. Because, if he does, and she won't -
So his arms wrap tighter around her as she burrows into him and he hums as if he's agreeing to all her conditions. Because he will. Eventually he'll be able to stand in the rain again without the heartache and he'll smell flowers and his memories of her won't hurt. But - it's going to be a long time and he's almost glad there's an entire war to distract him from the pain. He latches on to the last thing though. Latches on to it and holds it tight. Because its the most important part and its the one that he's use to keep going. He forces the edges of his lips up when she looks up at him. Lets go of her enough with his human hand to reach up and cup her cheek.
She's beautiful. She's never going to stop being beautiful.]
You're going to be all right. You're Hana Song. The strongest woman I know. I'm going to count on that.
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Yeah, I am. And you're Takashi Shirogane, the bravest man I know. Promise me that you're going to be all right, too, Shiro. I'm still with you no matter how far into space you go. And I love you-- always.
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He's not sure he can promise he'll be 'all right'. It depends on the meaning. He'll heal. He's almost cursed that way. He always heals. Crooked, bent wrong, missing pieces - but he heals enough to keep going. He'll always keep going. He's not allowed to stop. He's just not sure how many pieces of himself are left to go missing anymore. He knows that. And he's not sure how many pieces of himself he has left to lose by this point. But he'll heal. He'll keep going forward. Because its what he does.
Ghosts don't count as 'still with you'.]
I'll be all right. [If he's lying, its nothing he wouldn't do anyway. It depends on the meaning of 'all right'. But he can't stay and she can't go and that's the only thing that's important right now. He lowers his forehead to rest it against hers.]
And I will always love you too, Hana Song. Until my very last breath.
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and Hana Song doesn't cry even if she wants to -- ]
Takashi...
[ except-- no. She can't do this. The tears well up in her eyes the moment his forehead rests against hers, the moment she feels that whitened hair of his against her own fringe and she's not convinced when he says that he'll be all right. Of course he said he would be, because she made him promise, but there's just something about all of this that she doesn't like. Because when he says 'until my very last breath' he almost sounds like he's expecting that to happen before she finds him in the stars again and she--
she wants him to be all right, so, so badly. She wants him to have nothing but happiness even if it's dawned on her that what she's doing is going to take away from that and
maybe she should just
Her breath shakes with an exhale and her fingers tighten around the hand of his on her cheek and even the thoughtful hum she gives shakes a little. ]
I know I'm being selfish by trying to keep you like this even when I can't go with you. I'm sorry.
[ maybe she should just-- no. ]
But I will come back to you, Takashi. I definitely will.
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And nothing lasts forever. He might be dead in a year's time.
He doesn't - think so. He doesn't expect so. But he's aware of it.
But more, he's aware that she might move on. That the world is full of young men, good young men, young men that love Earth and living on it, that will never make her decide between her life here and the stars. Not soon, not any time soon at all, and she'd never do it to hurt him but -
the world is full of good young men. Ones who won't ask her to leave Earth behind.
It doesn't mean he'll ever stop loving her. Or she'll ever stop loving him. But he understands.
But she's crying, he can hear it in her determined voice, in the shakes of her hand, her breathing. And it breaks his heart because if he could make this easy for her, he would. He'd give up his own heart in a beat if he could make this gentle and easy for her. His other hand comes up and he tilts her face toward him, leans in and kisses her, soft and long and slow, tasting the salt of her tears against the sweetness of her lips. He won't hold her to a promise like that. Her life is here. It may never leave for his stars. His lips leave hers - and then come crashing back again, hard and hot and desperate. He aches for her. He is going to ache for her for the rest of his life and if he had another year, he would never be able to kiss her long enough or hard enough to stand against that ache.
But he'll try. God damn, but he'll try in these last few minutes.]
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but keeping her eyes open, her vision blurs with tears and that's no good either--
so she lets her eyes slip shut when he kisses her soundly, lets that pour tears across her face, and her other hand comes up to cup his mech hand in the same way she does his human hand.
She wishes he would be selfish, too. She wishes he would tell her that he'll wait for her or look forward to seeing her again and she wishes he'd make a lame joke about fighting off suitors while they're apart like the last time they had to say goodbye to each other but there's none of that, and it all feels too finite like that red thread that ties them is beginning to unravel and god, what is she even doing
maybe she should've never come back to Earth if it was going to hurt this much
and she has to fight back against her own body wanting to shake with a sob when he pulls way momentarily.
Hana wouldn't want to move on. Maybe that's naive of her, maybe it's her youth showing because she's only twenty, closer to twenty-one. She wouldn't want a good young man who would never make her decide between her life here and the stars; she already knows what she wants and it's to be with Shiro. It's just that--
she can't be her best for him the way she is. Not when she feels like parts of herself are missing after the battle at Busan. And Shiro--
he deserves the best.
But, god, does she want to call this whole thing off and run off into space with him again if it would stop her traitorous heart from aching this much and if it would stop these stupid tears from falling and stinging her eyes and keeping her from seeing Shiro properly and when he leans back in for another kiss she matches his fervor with her own desperation, her own need fill herself up with as much of him as she can until he leaves, before she tries any more to convince herself to go back on her word and run away with him, before the real heartbreak happens. ]
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If she comes back to him it will have to be because its where she feels she belongs and she's made peace with it.
He knows that. And so he knows he needs to let her go, even if his kiss is almost bruising, even if he pulls her into his body as if he could trap her inside his rib cage and keep her tucked there forever. She needs this and she needs here and she needs to grow. She need to find out who Hana Song is when there's no more D.Va. He knows it, supports it.
It would just be easier on him if he wasn't convinced this was the beginning of his losing her no matter what she says. How does one man compete with what an entire planet has to offer?
He doesn't. He can't. But God damn, is he tempted to try.
Except this isn't about him. This is about her and what she needs and right now she needs to be here. On Earth.
When he finally pulls away from her lips, he's panting, and his forehead rests against hers. He doesn't open his eyes. His voice is quiet and hoarse.]
You come. You just come. No matter how much time has gone by. No matter what's happened. You come into the Black and I'll be there waiting for you. No matter what.
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That's all she wanted to hear from him, really. She wanted to hear him say that he would wait for her. Because as much as Shiro might think Hana would be the first to move on--
She's seen, even been a little bit through what his life is like in space. It's exciting, both in good and bad ways, it's wonderful and scary and it's ups and downs and, while there's not a doubt in her mind that Shiro would wait for her, to hear him actually say it helps to loosen the tight bands around her chest and she gives a shuddering exhale at that, finally feeling like she can breathe a little again.
His words are exactly what she needed, more than his bruising kiss, more than his embrace, although those are important too. But his words, she's going to pull deep into herself and lock up, hold onto it for all of the time they're going to be apart, recall them during all of the lonely nights they're going to have, all the moments that she's surely going to stop and think that she wishes he was there, each and every time she needs to remember how his voice sounds when it's quiet just for her.
Steeling herself just a little, or at least trying to, she draws in a sniffling breath and moves her hands, wipes away the tears still streaming down her face before she mirrors Shiro and framing his face with her fingers at his cheeks. Her own voice drops quiet and gentle for him and him alone. ]
I love you, Takashi. Always. [ there's a soft chuckle from her ] I wish I could help kick Haggar's ass with you. I have a lot to take up with her for everything she's done to you. But I know you can win, jagiya. You and Pidgey and Lance and Hunk and Keith and the Princess and Coran and everyone who's joined up with you. You're not alone anymore. Promise me you'll remember that.
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And there's a soft huff at the end.]
I will. [Its an easy promise to make and even if he couldn't keep it, he knows full well that his teammates, his friends, would be sure he did anyway. He's not going into the Black, and the war, alone. He's just -
going without her.]
I'll remember. [And then he pulls back because they can't prolong this. It's painful enough already and each minute longer just makes it harder. His hands linger in strands of her hair though, having a hard time forcing himself to let go entirely.] Its time for me to go, Hana.
no subject
on the nights that he needs her to hold him and pull him back into where he is, let him listen to the beat of her heart and the slowness of her breaths--
except that she won't be able to do that anymore. So she needs him to remember that in spite of that, he's not alone.
But there's no time, no more time, to tell him exactly what she means. No time to tell him that he can always find pieces of her in the flower garden she's left at the Castle; no time to tell him that she'd left some of her things in his room, too, in hopes that they could be anchors instead of cruel reminders. He's leaving and neither of them know when they'll see each other again and Hana has to try, very hard, not to let that thought clutch at her heart and ice her veins because she can't fall apart in front of him now, not again. The last thing she wants for him to see before he goes back into the cold dark draw of space is her smile, warmer than what the sun setting beyond them can provide, more refreshing than the sea breeze that washes across Gibraltar, sweeter than the cake at Hana's all-but-forgotten party.
So she does. Even if her eyes still glisten with the threat of tears, even if her body is already aching, missing his touch, she smiles for him fond and full of all of the love her heart and her small body can hold for him. Her hands find his, intertwine fingers with his briefly for one last time before she lets go completely even if it hurts more than she ever thought a goodbye could. And, softly, she says, ]
All right. Game face on, Takashi Shirogane. You have a war to win.